The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
