Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize