Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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