She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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