Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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