Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
