I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
