I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
