i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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