he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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