We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
