If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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