feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
