I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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