i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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