maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
