im having a threesome with these popsicles
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The Olympian is in my bed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
