I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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