i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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