You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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