She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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