I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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