I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
