So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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