i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
