I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
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