I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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