is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
