just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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