I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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