Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
