The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
