OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
