dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
