Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
