Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
