you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
