Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
