I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
