Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
