if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
