im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
