I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
