I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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