If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
