So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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