Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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