Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
