The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
