She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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